I just looked at my last post. I can’t believe it has been that long. I wrote a lot of posts since then, mostly in my head (and many for my work).
As trite as it may sound, my dreams crash on the reality of life, like a wave driving toward a rocky coast. It takes all of my energy to work and try to be a good mother. You see, I have one of those “invisible” diseases. I’ve received a wide range of diagnoses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to psoriatic arthritis to fibromyalgia. Each doctor thinks he (or she, but more commonly “he”) is right, and that all the other doctors have it wrong. I’d like to gather them all in one room, force them to have a “group hug,” and then lock them in until they agree on a diagnoses or, at least, a course of treatment.
Frankly, I almost don’t care about the label. All I know is that on “good” mornings I wake up with a list of things I want to accomplish that day. I not only have the best intentions, but believe at that moment that I really can complete my goals. I will scrub the kitchen, reorganize my closet, complete the week’s grocery shopping, read, take the dogs and my daughter for a hike, and . . . write. The reality: I clear the sink, load the dishwasher, finish a load of laundry and realize that I really need a nap. My mind is in a fog, and I scrap my overly optimistic plans.
In “the old days,” before I got sick, I had amazing stamina. I jumped out of bed at 7 a.m. on weekends and completed a wide-ranging list of activities, often including a 10 to 15 miles hike as well as 4 miles on my treadmill. I felt good, and I remember what it felt like to feel good. I remember my body being in shape, how alert I felt after a good workout. I have tried on many occasions to regain that feeling of well being. However, the parameters of what constitutes “overdoing it” are too close in reach.
I want my life back. And to get it back, I need to figure out a way to get healthier. I need to be able to move again, and still do the things I have to do and want to do in my life. I will do it, because I must.